Aham Vimarsha – I consciousness

Generally, if I were to describe the world – my world – I would describe it as something quite real and solid, very much out there, a world in which I – my body and my mind – manage to move and try to cope with, control to whatever extent possible, and create something that would be somewhat pleasant, satisfying and comfortable. I seem to be quite at the mercy of this universe. In fact, I seem to be engaged in a seemingly eternal struggle to keep from being overtaken by it. My world, physical and social, surrounds me, controls me to a rather large degree, way more than I wish. And I move around in it trying to make the most of it. I sometimes wonder how much longer I will keep doing this, and I plan for when it will all come to an end. And by “it” I sure don’t mean the world out there. I assume when my trip is over, the world will continue without me, more or less forever. The world, it seems to me, is eternal. By comparison, I am a traveler of short duration and quite ephemeral.

I wonder if I asked the world – are you real, if it would answer me, yes, of course I am real.   I wonder if it knows that it’s real. I wonder if the air I breathe and the mountains I love know that they are real.  I wonder if they know even that they are there. Somehow I don’t think they would, at least not in the way that I seem to be able to.   If they were to ask me, say are you there? I would say unhesitatingly - yes I am. At least if I were awake.  

Even if I were not awake, I am pretty sure of the reality of the world I live in. I dream up all kinds of things. True, later when I awake, they may seem silly. But while I am dreaming, I am pretty sure that they are all totally real.   I am in there as real as they all are too. that sense of reality of my dream objects and of me within the dream seem closely related. True, my sense of the reality of my dream vanishes quickly after I wake up.  But in a way, the reality of my waking life also vanishes as soon as I go to sleep.    

In fact, both of them seem to vanish, at least in retrospect, when I am really deep asleep. No world at all then. Maybe I am gone then too.  

Or am I?  

I wonder what gives me this conviction of reality around me, this absolute indelible sense of reality around me while it is happening.  

I can also turn it around.  I can also say of myself – yes – I am. I can look at a mirror and there I am. Real as ever. I can take the mirror away, and I can still say that I am.    

Could I take away this I am ?  perhaps when I die? But when I sleep, is it not a bit like when I die?  I sure don’t seem to know or recall anything during that time. I don’t even know that I was then.  But then how come I still feel that I was, before, and now am, after I wake up?  did I vanish there for a while, while I was asleep and then come back out of nowhere, all in one piece?   

Utpaladeva, the great Shaivite philosopher says:  Ghatoyam Iti adhyavasaa..: When you say “this is a pot” – that ascertainment transcends all form.   That ascertainment is nothing but the very nature of pure consciousness.  

Later he says:  prakaashasya aaatma-vishranti, aham bhavo hi keertitah: Prakash, supreme consciousness, resting in itself, is the sense I AM – “Aham Bhaav”.

I know that I am.  When pressed, I still know that I am.  I know it deeply. And I confer this sense of reality that I possess to everything around me.  

When I know that I am, it is a combination of the sense of existence, or reality and that knowledge or awareness.  

Vedanta calls this Sat and Chit.  Reality, being or existence; and consciousness. 

Everything I experience happens in my consciousness.  As Goode would say, for consciousness to know matter, energy, time, space, form, past, future, existence and non-existence, it itself can’t be any of these things.  Consciousness has to be formless. It simply can’t be an object. It must always be the subject.  

Goode continues - whatever I experience, I am always there.  I am never not there.  

This I is what Shaivism calls Aham Vimarsha, I consciousness.  

Aham Vimarsha is not another thought.  Utpaladeva says: Aham pratyavamarsho yah ---  This Aham Vimarsha (or Aham Pratyavamarsha) is not like other thoughts.  It is unitary, in itself.  

It is.  And it knows it is.  

Atmananda will say : Anubhavamatra Atma”   the self is pure experience.  

We are all always experiencing.  That experience, that consciousness, is who we are.  

We think the consciousness belongs to us; that somehow it is centered inside the body.  

Is that consciousness centered in the body or is the body in consciousness?  

Am I contained in my universe or is my universe contained in me?